Traditional Christmas

Started early in September

with the summer on the wane

bought mi Christmas puddin's cheaply

so I'm ready once again

Written every single card out

an' dusted off the trimmin's

'ave laid in quite a nut supply

collected all the wimmins

presents, such as silky fancies

Christmas wrap - to wrap 'em with

perfume fit to scent a hareem

an' I'm now decidin' - dith-

erin' - Should Aunt Min's present 'ave

cost less than Uncle Perry's

Will she grumble once more this time

"'Ee doesn't drink sweet sherry"

Susan's lad, is 'ee still courtin'?

Not that blond with four young boys?

Well I won't be buyin' for them

'Ee won't get 'em any toys

Christmas looms wi' empty stockin's

to drain 'is empty coffers

Never could stand spotty meanness

'Is socks were Special Offers

An' our Mabel - Will she notice

that I'm givin' 'er the same

bubble bath she gave me last year?

Well its just a Christmas game (bit o' fun)

Don't know why I bother really

Christmas isn't like it was

but I've wrapped the presents - nearly -

all except mi' son's because

Should it still be that Sale jumper?

Will 'ee like the aftershave?

Well the market stall 'ad plenty

though 'ee never quite forgave

last year's present - soap - which stripped off

all 'is skin to leave it red

Still 'ee's got to 'ave a present

Thank god Uncle Albert's dead

  

'Ee was such a one to buy for

Never could get 'is gift right

Didn't read and wouldn't 'elp me

so we always used to fight

I'd buy sweets - 'Ee wouldn't eat them

I'd buy socks - They weren't 'is kind

Still, the year I made the fruit cake

Uncle Albert didn't mind

'Is box was lined in baby blue

Looked so peaceful lyin' there

Always think of 'im at Christmas

Buried 'im before New Year

Now there's only Sam - but really

I'm not sure if 'ee'll buy back

Why should I waste socks an' 'andkies

Dismal bugger got the sack

No use tryin' to 'ave Christmas

Misery there, destroys the feel

Turkey's wasted - 'Ee dun't like it

'Is long face destroys the meal

Only wears the paper 'eadgear

so 'ee gets 'is money's worth

Criticises all the children

Fills the 'owse wi' Christmas mirth (proper little sunshine)

'Ates the Queen an' mocks 'er speeches

Cracks 'is nuts an' spreads the shell

Comes back plastered Christmas lunchtime

......................Likes my fruitcake

................................................            - just as well

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