Christmas Card List

           Now 'oo shall I send cards to?

           Mother an' Mrs Evans up the road

           Well mother 'ud be offended if I didn't

            What with Mrs Evans 'avin 'er back

            ..an' er cross to bear

            We 'ave to neighbour a lot

            an' mother takes 'er 'ot pot round

            ..not that she ever seems to eat it

            'Oo else? Oh yes The Neighbours

            Well they watch the 'owse when I go away

            ..though I'm certain Mrs Jarvis' son Robert

            was the one 'oo robbed the knickers off the line

            well I wouldn't 'ave minded but they were mi best pilch

            Irreplaceable - an' so embarrassin'

            That policemen didn't know where to put 'imself

            You'd think 'ee'd never 'eard the word knicker before

            Anyway I suppose I'd better send 'er one

            I'll make it just for 'er

            What was 'er name? Betty? Edna? Ann?

            Well I can 'ardly put Mrs Jarvis can I?

            Easier just to put Greetings from

            Not so personal - but I don't like 'er much

            An' Marjorie next door - bit scruffy for my likin'

            streams of men troopin' in an' out

            none of 'em stop long

            An' Mr an' Mrs Prenderghast in the detached

            not that they ever made me welcome

            "Take off your shoes so you don't dirty the carpets"

            You'd think I was a pit worker

            Never allowed in 'ee isn't - without carpet slippers on 'is feet

            Funny woman

            Oh yes an' Lavinia

            What she wants wi' that great tribe of kids

            I'll never know

            Three or four belong to 'er sisters

            but that still leaves three or four that are 'ers

            No 'usband in evidence - never was, so I 'ear -

            Still they're all like that these days.

            not one of 'em washed very much either

            Still I'll send 'er  a card

            Auntie Phil and Uncle Sid

            Thank goodness they're not comin' back 'ere again this year

            What with 'er 'ot flushes an' 'is "indigestion problems"

            the window was never shut

           

            Trudie..shall I send one to Trudie?

            Well she 'asn't sent me one since 1979

            ..jog 'er elbow? just a bit o' fun

            Yes I'll send one to Trudie

            ..make 'er feel guilty

            And Connie

            ..never sent me a card since we left school

            Miserable devil..promised she would

            Still those twelve months in Styal probably put 'er off wantin' to be   known

            ..shopliftin' wasn't it..?

            best be incognito I suppose

            Yes I'll send 'er one

            Now 'oo does that leave?

            Clarice and Bill..Eric an' Juliah

            Why the `h' I'll never know

            Jannie and Popples

            Suppose I'll 'ave to include Popples

            Fancy sendin' a Christmas card to a poodle

            Still she only gets offended..

            Oh yes..an' our Brian - an' that slut -

            What's 'er name?..Nasturtium?

            All beads fags an' incense

            ..probably to 'ide the fact that she doesn't wash much

            ..an' our Brian never sends me one

            so I don't know why I bother

            Now what shall I put this year?

            A Merry Christmas

                        and a very Happy New Year

                                    with lots of love

                                                and affectionate regard

                                                            from Lorena and Ted

            Yes that'll do.

Traditional Christmas

Started early in September

with the summer on the wane

bought mi Christmas puddin's cheaply

so I'm ready once again

Written every single card out

an' dusted off the trimmin's

'ave laid in quite a nut supply

collected all the wimmins

presents, such as silky fancies

Christmas wrap - to wrap 'em with

perfume fit to scent a hareem

an' I'm now decidin' - dith-

erin' - Should Aunt Min's present 'ave

cost less than Uncle Perry's

Will she grumble once more this time

"'Ee doesn't drink sweet sherry"

Susan's lad, is 'ee still courtin'?

Not that blond with four young boys?

Well I won't be buyin' for them

'Ee won't get 'em any toys

Christmas looms wi' empty stockin's

to drain 'is empty coffers

Never could stand spotty meanness

'Is socks were Special Offers

An' our Mabel - Will she notice

that I'm givin' 'er the same

bubble bath she gave me last year?

Well its just a Christmas game (bit o' fun)

Don't know why I bother really

Christmas isn't like it was

but I've wrapped the presents - nearly -

all except mi' son's because

Should it still be that Sale jumper?

Will 'ee like the aftershave?

Well the market stall 'ad plenty

though 'ee never quite forgave

last year's present - soap - which stripped off

all 'is skin to leave it red

Still 'ee's got to 'ave a present

Thank god Uncle Albert's dead

  

'Ee was such a one to buy for

Never could get 'is gift right

Didn't read and wouldn't 'elp me

so we always used to fight

I'd buy sweets - 'Ee wouldn't eat them

I'd buy socks - They weren't 'is kind

Still, the year I made the fruit cake

Uncle Albert didn't mind

'Is box was lined in baby blue

Looked so peaceful lyin' there

Always think of 'im at Christmas

Buried 'im before New Year

Now there's only Sam - but really

I'm not sure if 'ee'll buy back

Why should I waste socks an' 'andkies

Dismal bugger got the sack

No use tryin' to 'ave Christmas

Misery there, destroys the feel

Turkey's wasted - 'Ee dun't like it

'Is long face destroys the meal

Only wears the paper 'eadgear

so 'ee gets 'is money's worth

Criticises all the children

Fills the 'owse wi' Christmas mirth (proper little sunshine)

'Ates the Queen an' mocks 'er speeches

Cracks 'is nuts an' spreads the shell

Comes back plastered Christmas lunchtime

......................Likes my fruitcake

................................................            - just as well

13.12.95.bk20/47

Memories of Christmas

In late November they appear

twinkling in porches

on silent counters

Leading out the tinsel

coloured balls and holly

At drunken angles trapped in nets

Cluttering the pavement

outside fruit shops

Filling market stalls

Estimating eyes consider

Would they fit this space - or that

Will the tinsel do

Where were the lights stowed

-

Last year's debris

dustily collected into boxes

pushed into a cupboard

or along the wardrobe top

-

Bearing home the tree

Ritual to mark the cheerful season

fill the room with needles

the scent of pine

and ghosts

-

Standing it naked from its net

overfilling that silent corner

overbalancing its placement

as trimmings are unpacked

sneezing punctuating their arrival

pleasure lighting children's eyes

Decorations which they made are re-discovered

Re-living that school pantomime

The debut as a snowflake

a donkey or all three wise men

Bearing myrrh they couldn't spell

Tripping near the crib

Anointing Baby Jesus early

with the perfume-bottle from afar

Searching in the darkened crowd

for mother and the aunties

(crying silent tears of pride

behind the shouts of laughter)

-

Hanging up the robin

A tiny tank  A parasol

Twelve coloured cotton-reels

A painted wooden lady

Auntie Myra bought one year

Ships to sail in scented air

Coloured balls to sparkle

all along the branches

dripping in their indoor winter

icicles of tinsel

from a packet made in China

Finally the lights and overall 

the fairy-on-the-top

Skirt stuffed with pine

Wings and wand outspread

  

Mince pies arriving from the oven

Over-cooked or under-cooked

Far too hot to eat - but eaten anyway

with sherry   coffee  milk

"Do you remember Camp and Bev

All that British sherry

when Grandma landed in the Christmas tree

just before the lights went on

Lit up nicely in the gloom

dusted free of needles as the carnage

of broken balls and fallen fairies

resurrected up the corner

- and the lights stayed on!

Was that the year the cotton reels appeared"

-

Bright lights switched off

with all due ceremony

Making them wait impatiently too long

The switch is switched

-

Glittering along the branches lights

blue and red and yellow

silver white and green and purple

fill the faces of the watchers

with the ghosts of Christmas Past

Christmas presents scattered round its foot

Christmas future marches on

drawing memories along its cheerfulness

Brightening its darkest corner

with eyes lit by tears

Christmas spirit

In the bleak mid-Winter

every man made moan.

Will was hard as iron,

heart was like a stone.

Misery had fallen

woe on woe

in the bleak mid-Christmas

one long week ago.

29.12.91.bk5/257

Christmas folly

"Had a nice Christmas?"

"Yes, not bad, and you?"

"Yes, not bad," she said.

And so it goes along.

Relatives all meet, and smile,

relatively boring, all the while,

eating enough to sink a famine ship,

drinking so much, the oceans start to dip.

Bringing a glittering bonhomie to play.

Claiming false Christianity, one day.

Desperately buying, into debt,

wrapping up gifts, for people they forget,

jollificating winter frost, with holly,

toying with tinsel pleasure, hopes and folly.

27.12.92.bk9/36

Christmas in freefall

Merging one day into the next,

the shop-gazing and present-giving,

over-cooking and forced-feeding,

card-hanging and tree-trimming,

runs along through week-end and week-end;

until, beyond the new year's rising,

it merges yet again, in seamless sale-time,

awash with tawdry glittering,

to rival Christmas and its trimming,

which dustily collapses in the end.

2.1.93.bk9/44

Boxing Day

It's Boxing Day, and down the stairs,

the dog, in Christmas luxury,

extends his barking voice, to greet

the absent postman's hated, absent van,

and through the window,

like a gleaming jewel, set

amongst a bracelet filigree of winter trees,

the blinding winter sun, lights up the sky,

backdrop for a flypast, in fine formation,

of my glorious racing pigeons.

Like souls, in the freedom of eternity.

26.12.93.bk9/159